leave

i am once again, on leave. medical leave, that is.

but all my leaves haven't been much of a leave (and that includes both medical and annual leave) when people still expect you to reply their emails and call you at least three to five times a day. sigh.

okay, shan't complain anymore since this is going nowhere. i kinda feel i owe them too much to be too ji jiao on these matters. though i really do wish i could have some real leave. maybe that's why i really don't mind going on no-pay leave if i can't work from home.

i wonder how long this condition will last this time. according to the doctor, it seems that i will be ridden with this for at least the next few years. i definitely won't be well so soon. i wonder when i can continue my life again. two years. some people said it has only been two years and i am considered to have recovered rather quickly. some others have commented, it's already been two years - you should be up and running, why are you taking so long? well perhaps those weren't the exact words, but they definitely kind of meant that.

talking about it like this makes everything sound so grim. definitely feel the tears coming on. but well, i know this is just yet another obstacle i have to overcome (they just keep coming, don't they?), so i will get through this! of course, with the help of my really supportive family, friends, and the big man upstairs (you do hear me, don't you?). i'm no longer going to put a date to when i can do this or that. i guess i'll just have to live by the day for now. and i will stay happy! :)

amen.

"Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on Earth." — Mark Twain

Mad Rush

it's been a mad rush week, this being the last week at work before i go for my op next week which will probably result in at least 2 to 3 weeks of medical leave.

and so, even right now, on a saturday of a long weekend, i don't feel like i could really relax. too many unfinished business. i feel like somehow, i may be going into the operating theatre and never coming out of it again. well, no matter how small or minor the op is, there's always this small possibility right? so i tried my best to tie up whatever loose ends there were, made sure that there's a continuity of whatever work i was doing, just so, hopefully, i could have some rest for the next two weeks.

one of my hods knew i was feeling really stressed out yesterday and did not have time for lunch, so she made me a cup of mushroom soup despite being really busy herself too. i was so touched! thank God for surrounding me with such wonderful people.  was feeling really overwhelmed with all my work and was close to breaking down - He sure knows how to save you from having a mental breakdown!

"Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on Earth." — Mark Twain

The HQ Officer

yesterday i sent an email query to hq to ask a question. a simple one-liner answer from them would suffice. but in addition to that, the hq officer had to add on by asking me the following questions:

"May I know are you a new AM who has just joined the school ?

May I know do you have any more query ?

Fyi. I always try my best to download to schools those grants that are within my control on time and if any is any delay, I will always drop an email to inform schools."

there were some other comments too but her first question above was the one that really put me off. and reading such an email first thing in the morning was not really such a gd idea. i was feeling so irritated by her remarks so i replied:

"I am not a new AM who has joined the school but I believe that not only new AMs are entitled to queries. I believe that if we're in doubt, we should ask to avoid future misunderstandings.

Fyi, I'm not doubting that you're not doing your best to download to schools the grants on time, neither have I actually thought about it. My email was simply just to clear my bosses' doubts."

and not wanting to sound rude or invite further trouble, i ended off with:

"Thank you for your advice. I appreciate it very much for clearing our doubts."

seriously, what is wrong with these hq people? do they really think we enjoy asking them questions? and if only new ams can ask them question, does that mean they will be out of a job if moe doesn't employ anymore new ams? asking me ridiculously questions will only get you not-so-friendly answers. there are ams who have been doing their job for twenty years and even they have some things that they do not know (seriously, i know one who is like that, because i had a query, i tried asking her, she couldn't answer and simply asked me to go check with hq and since then, i've stopped asking her anything).

i do know that she was trying to be sarcastic - her underlying meaning from her question would be "if you're not a new am, shouldn't you already know this?" it is obvious she thinks i am asking a stupid question. though honestly, most of the time, the questions that my bosses wants to me ask are, often but not, stupid questions. but what to do, they prefer to hear answers given from hq, my words alone are not strong enough. to them, i've not been in this line long enough to give them the security that i know my stuff. well that is true sometimes, but i have learnt to be firmed when i know i am right.

"Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on Earth." — Mark Twain

The Principal

my p is a really weird man. one day recently, he suddenly walked to my cubicle, with a solemn look, and the following conversation took place:

p: i have something for you to do now (in my mind, i was thinking it was something important)
p: i need you to find out for me how much it is to rent a treadmill.
me: oh, you mean for the school? but we already have treadmills. (sudden realisation) oh or you mean you want it for yourself?
p: yes for myself. i want to put one at home. (chey, and i really thought he had something important to tell me)
me: isn't it cheaper to buy than to rent? how long do you want to rent?
p: for 2-3 years. i think rent maybe about $50 a month?
me: i don't think so la. for so long, definitely cheaper to buy la. (i went on to quote my own experience in trying to rent wheelchairs and beds - in which buying was definitely more worth it than renting)

which reminds me, i still have no idea where to help him start looking seeing that i'm totally clueless about treadmills. he should go to a sports shop to shop! maybe i can just lend him my world of sports membership discount card. hmph.

i forgot how random my p can be. sometimes asking people to do things for him out of nowhere. i still remember one particular time he 'made' me helped his family book a badminton court online.

but it's these little 'unexpected' things that makes your work just that slightly more interesting.

"Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on Earth." — Mark Twain

Dilemma

what do you do when you have to choose between doing something right and being a friend?

prisoners' dilemma - omg i studied this in game theory for my honours year!

recently found out one of my teachers submitted an illegitimate claim for lds by claiming the cost of two play tickets for himself and his partner who attended the production with him. well, claiming for himself is fine, but not for the partner.

it was too bad that the claim was picked up by the system to be checked by the office. if it did not go through the office and we did not know about it, well i would say good for him. but too bad i had to see it. my dilemma lasted probably all of 5 minutes before i decided i had to do the right thing. so i had to tell him to put up the required form (to kinda admit to hq that he had put up an illegitimate claim) and get hq to claim back the reimbursement that was given to him (by deducting from his next salary i suppose).

sometimes i wonder if these teachers really do not know what they can or cannot claim, or they are just acting blur, trying and pushing their luck. i mean, this would probably be an obvious case that you cannot claim for an amount paid for someone else, plus i just reminded them not too long ago that they can only make claims for their own personal use and not for others.

i've known of other teachers doing the above, got caught by hq and received warning letters. is it worth it? just for those few dollars to put your career at risk? it is two very different situations for the case to be picked up by the school and for it to be picked up by hq. well, it is too bad if he doesn't understand why i couldn't close one eye and not be difficult with him.

blogger's dilemma - lol i realised i face this dilemma pretty often! especially so on fb. 

"to post or not to post?" "to comment or not to comment?"

on another note, i met up with yn, an ex-colleague for dinner. and we had a great time just chatting and mostly me updating him on the school like staff movements and new happenings. but we did talk about other things too that's going on in our lives. he was my lunch and kopi kaki in school, someone i got to know better during the hk trip, i could talk to and was like a  大哥 to me (coincidentally, he has a sister who's my age and was my schoolmate in st nicks!). so sad that most of the people i am close with have left the school. first it was my cso, then this 大哥, and now my om. i think it will be my turn very very soon.

this picture is a little irrelevant but i happened to see it and tot it's so cute that i had to post it with this entry! :)

"Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on Earth." — Mark Twain

The Trainee

last week, a nie trainee, popped out of nowhere into my cubicle, to ask me something about lds. this was how it went:

her: hi (with no greeting, or intro of herself or whatsoever), how do i claim for my lds?
me: (did not feel like answering her without knowing who she is) erm, you are?
her: (she must have tot i didn't understand her question) where do i go to claim for my lds? do i claim from you? (ya right, i'm so rich you can claim your money from me)
me: (in my mind i was thinking, who the heck are you?) well you just need to go pac@gov to claim. same as how you claim for your medical and dental.
her: oh so i can just claim from there? do i need to buy the item first then claim?
me: erm... (i was caught completely off guard by that question) of course la. otherwise how you key in the receipt number, date and amount? (isn't this like common sense?)
her: oh okie. (and she walks off without even a word of thanks. maybe she tot i was being sarcastic cos i gave her a rather incredulous look when she asked her second question. but honestly, i couldn't help it. as i said, i was kinda 'shocked' that she even had to ask that)

after the conversation, i felt like she was somehow treating me like some sort of joke. like i was one of those customer service counter, just there to answer your questions, full-stop. i wouldn't have mind if she had at least first made sure i was the correct person she was talking to (like asking me if i was the am because someone obviously directed her to me), intro-ed herself (so at least i know who i was talking to and especially since i asked who she was), and then say thanks after giving her the info. i mean, that's like basic courtesy. i can't believe that she is going to be a future teacher, educator of our future generation. how is she going to be a role model without some basic courtesy and common sense? you can only claim for something after you buy it is 普通常识, no?

well, i let that pass given that she is just a trainee now. she has so much more to learn & improve on her EQ. hopefully, she gets better by the time she graduates. well, one can only hope for the best right?

"Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on Earth." — Mark Twain

AM

seen in many circulars sent out from hq: "Please consult the respective school’s Administration Manager (AM) for help if necessary."

hmm honestly they should pre-empt us (like educate us or something) before quoting us in their circulars. like i know what i need to or can do. but thankfully (for my school that is), i'm quite resourceful and will find out things for them. my conclusion on the AM job? we're problem solvers! :)

"Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on Earth." — Mark Twain

Colleague vs Friend

i went to see my p today in his office to let him approve the invitation letter that we are going to send to the guest-of-honour for our school's 45th anniversary celebrations.

he looked at the letter, then looked at me and asked, "why are you the one doing this?"

i was stunned for awhile and simply replied, "cos i'm the one doing it la. but actually this hod drafted the letter, so i'm just following up." (it was her job to draft the letter but she just passed it to me cos the theme wasn't settled yet. so she asked me to help put in the theme and then get p to approve and sign and send it out.)

i should have said, "i've no idea either. not sure why this hod is not completing it and i'm the one suddenly handling it."

it got me thinking about how convenient it is for them (colleagues in general, my own staffs included) to simply leave their work with me, always making me think that it's my job to do it, when obviously my p thought otherwise. maybe being too friendly with some of your colleagues ain't such a good thing. you find it really hard to reject them when they ask for your help. to them, it's just more convenient for you to do it. sometimes i can't help feeling that they are being friendly with me simply for the motive that i will help them when it's to their advantage. sometimes, you can just tell. to them, you're just a colleague, a helping hand, but definitely not a friend.

"Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on Earth." — Mark Twain

Of Resolutions and Recoveries

my only resolution for the year twenty-ten is to leave my job. but it seems like that isn't going to happen this year. i actually forgot that i kinda like my job, not to mention some of the people i'm working with. of cos recovering and travelling is on the list too, but those aren't as difficult to achieve as resigning. well, if only.

too many things to consider, too many favours to repay, too many things to leave behind. i guess that's why some people, though they complain endlessly about their jobs, never do leave them eventually. it's hard to uproot oneself, go to a new environment, make new friends/colleagues and start from ground zero all over again. especially when you've built up something in your existing place and made some close friends - how can you bear to just leave everything behind?

for me, the only thing that is holding me back (for now at least) is my yet-to-fully-recover leg. once i've got that settled, i'm honestly going to FLY! doing my masters (and overseas, that is) is high on my to-do list. so still surfing around, looking around. if i can do that next year, it'll probably be the best. but everything's too early to say for sure now. we live in such a volatile environment, where everything can just change in the snap of a finger.

sometimes, i still wonder what i would be doing now if that fateful accident did not happen. but there's no point wondering, because i can't possibly go back in time and change things. i can only look forward and decide for myself what i can since the accident has taken place. just to share one of the last few pictures i took before that fateful accident.

the fateful road

i'm considering having a celebration on that day every year to celebrate my rebirth and escape from death! :) though honestly speaking, it may sound a little morbid, but i don't think i would have regretted dying on that day. other than the fact it would have cost major heartache to my family, i just felt i wasn't particularly attached to anything on earth that i couldn't leave behind. plus i believed i had a fulfilling life till then - i had experienced many things in my short life - childhood, school & exams, love & heartbreak, working and living overseas, having a full-time job, working like there's no tomorrow. and surviving would only mean working for the rest of my life - which the one-year of worklife had given me enough to last a lifetime.

but since it was god's will that it was not my time to leave yet, i shall make use of my new life to experience things i have yet the chance to. studying overseas for one. it was my biggest dream when i was in jc. but somehow i couldn't do that because 1. i wasn't smart enough to get a scholarship, 2. my parents claimed they were too poor to afford to send me overseas. and now, suddenly my parents had enough money to do that! haha what more can i ask for but of course grab the opportunity before they change their minds.

ok i think i went totally out of point in this post. i just gotta remember, one step at a time, and i will get there! :)

"Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on Earth." — Mark Twain

No bonus for civil servants

so news just came out that there will be no bonus for civil servants this year-end. and that is of cos no surprise given that we didn't have any mid-year bonus. but anyhow, at least we still get our 13th month bonus. even though i don't live by my salary or bonuses, any extra money is definitely welcomed. hehe. and i guess the 750 we're getting shall be used to celebrate christmas. i missed out on christmas last year, so perhaps i should double celebrate this year. heh. =D

a dream

i had many dreams ever since my accident. mostly involved me being able to walk and run again. i'm still waiting for that to come true. soon soon. i must be patient.

last night i had another dream. i dreamt that i flew to europe. on impulse. to escape from work. and i didn't go by myself. i went with a supposedly someone special. which i have no idea who he is when i woke up. anyway, the thing is, the moment i reached europe, i felt so guilty for not informing anyone at office and just disappearing like that, and all i wanted to do was to go back. so i won't get a black mark or what. i'm such a coward. either that, or i feel too responsible. i prefer to believe in the latter. :P

haix. my sch refuse to leave me alone even during the weekends. i've to return to sch to help them out. by right, i shld be very willing. seeing all the provisions they've made so that i can work from home, i shld be grateful. i'm obliged to help them. but right now, it's precisely the sense of obligation that i do not like. i don't want the feeling that i owe them something. perhaps i shld have gone on no-pay leave instead of agreeing to working from home. at least i won't be so haunted now. even in my sleep.

sigh. tots of leaving are still lingering in my mind. yesterday, i've just heard that another colleague may be tendering. makes me wanna leave even more. well, let's wait and see.