no regrets

finally, it's six weeks after my bone graft op! i'm feeling real optimistic about this op. so hopefully it doesn't disappoint me later. as my friend said, "i think you are due some good luck for a change!" :) so saw my doctor today for review. and he said to give it five years to prove its 'worth'. well sounds very much like our recently concluded ge, doesn't it? where we're all told that the mps have five years to prove themselves too. (sorry, i couldn't help it but make that reference - ge has kinda been my life for almost two whole weeks.)

my doctor had a new young doctor in tow today. and he exclaimed in surprise when he saw the number of x-rays i had done at the hospital and the thick file of medical records i had there. this made my doctor comment (yet again), "yes it's a lot, and actually she's very lucky to be alive". i get reminded time and again that i'm really lucky to have survived that accident. so i couldn't help but wonder why the big man upstairs decided that i should live on?

honestly speaking, and i think i've mentioned this before (not to be morbid, but i'm just stating how i really felt), if i had died there and then, it would be without regrets (though i might just feel really bad for inflicting such pain on my family and not being able to be there to provide for my ah-ma and parents in their old age).

of course, i did wonder why i felt that i had no regrets. well, i guess it's mainly because i felt i have done and experienced plenty of things in my short (then) twenty-four years on earth. i also felt there was nothing here to hold me behind. it's like, i felt i have already lived my life to quite the fullest. true, i have yet to experience marriage, having my own family, growing old, playing with grandchildren. but at that point in time (even now), it was not something i was craving for or felt that i had to have. a single life was suiting me very fine.

i think i've lived quite a colourful life. i had a good education. i made many good friends. i have a great loving family (hence, no desire that i have to start another one). i had a stint working and travelling in the states. i travelled extensively in 2008 (hk with colleagues, bintan with friends, taiwan+hk with cousins, chennai with students, melbourne with bro & wei - all in one year!). i had a go at working life. i spent my free time doing things i enjoy - reading, watching plays & musicals, spending time with family. i exercised whenever i could.

perhaps, the only thing that i did not make time for was God. though i did still go for sunday mass, i attended liss that year, and i helped out in the alpha course every thursday in church. despite all my involvement in church that year, i definitely felt myself drifting away. and yes, i felt guilty for not trying hard enough to communicate with Him. this might probably be my only regret - not spending enough time in prayer (nor having the want to). so perhaps He decided to keep me alive so that i could first grow closer to Him before taking me away?

but no matter, the Lord's comforting hand is never far away. He did not leave me (to die) even though i had drifted away from Him. during my most painful time (literally) in the hospital (the first week after the accident), i often felt His hand holding mine. at first i thought it was my mum's or my sister's, but after sometime, it was apparent that they were usually some distance away or not around when this happened. it was then i knew that He was the one keeping me company when i thought i was alone. ever since, i loved being alone. because it is then i could feel His presence most - and feel peace, hope and love :)

"peace i leave with you; my peace i give you. i do not give to you as the world gives. do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." - john 14:27