smile. because life's worth it.

i have a little fear at the back of my mind. as much as i try to suppress it, not think abt it,  it sometimes pops out suddenly, catching you unaware, and brings your mood down drastically from a high to a low.

i guess it is inevitable that i have such thoughts. but at least they don't consume my life. i have accepted my condition and how different life is going to be for me, but sometimes, once in awhile, i give in and collapse for awhile. i feel that crying lets out any pent-up frustration i may have. i'm not an expressive person, so i don't vent my frustrations on anyone. i guess, this is the only way for me to keep sane.

and this happens when i see photos of friends doing things that i may never be able to do again in the future. the operative word being "may". of course, many people tell me that it's mind over matter. i try of course. but who knows how things are going to turn out exactly? i'm not a pessimist, but neither do i wanna get my hopes up too high. i'm just simply prepared for the worst. it is best to be mentally prepared than to be once again caught off-guard, unaware, and then feel like the end of the world has arrived.

"Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on Earth."
— Mark Twain

our annual st nicks christmas gathering was held at my place this year (well, technically it's not my place but my grandma's place, but still). usually it'll be at ks place, but we decided to go try someplace different. and i bought santa hats for everyone this year too~! it certainly adds to the christmas mood. oh yes, and the theme we've decided for ourselves is red and black. =)

well we were supposed to start at 12pm, but hmm, everyone was late and we only started at close to 2pm. waited for the last person to arrive before we started on our food. we had a spread of sushi, honey-baked ham, wine, cheese, ice-cream and biscuits. pretty satisfying i think. hehe. we then had our present exchange and played one round of wii before it was time to go home.

kinda short party but it was good to have everyone around this year for the party (seeing that i missed it last year). we're planning for one on cruise next year. hopefully it works out. hehe. i shall let the pictures do the talking now.

 


"Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on Earth."
— Mark Twain

i bought the htc hero 3 days ago on monday and i have no idea what possessed me to buy such a complicated phone, and not a cheap one either. =.=

too late, money spent. so i might as well just make myself feel better by exploring all its functions and get cheap thrills by what it can do (even though i don't really need them). anyhow, what i really like about it is how easily i can access gmail, facebook, twitter and youtube. but oh yes, i have to first get a data plan. currently accessing the internet on the phone using my home internet, so that's pretty sweet. at least i don't have to switch on my pc all the time. =P

so next on the list, read the phone manual (it's gonna be the first time i'm actually reading a phone manual), get a data plan, figure out how to access msn and blogger and finally, start getting used to it and quit missing my sony ericsson. 

"Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on Earth."
— Mark Twain

caught the show new moon on sunday with wei and i must say the show wasn't all too bad, despite all the negative reviews and what other friends might say. in fact, both wei and i tot it was better than the first show, twilight. perhaps it was due to all the 1-star reviews that prepared us with a very low expectation of the show and so, we managed to enjoy it much better since it turned out better than expected. lol.

no point talking about the movie since reviews elsewhere are easily available. other than the fact that given that new moon is my least favourite book out of the 4 books of twilight series,the movie definitely wasn't as painful as reading the book. plus there's nice eye candy to compensate for the lack of acting and the absence of edward for close to half the show (or book). at least jacob looked so much better than he did in the first movie. hee.

on another note, i've been eating at places i haven't been to for more than a year. like lunch with wei at subway before the show and dinner with pat and shirl at cafe cartel on saturday night. it's nice to be able to go out with friends again. i just need to gain back the confidence and strength i need to survive outside on my own. =)

"Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on Earth."
— Mark Twain

i went to see my rehab doctor, Dr. Bok today. and seeing him is such an encouraging thing. he was genuinely very happy to see that i was walking so well (in his opinion) and he seemed really glad that i was making such progress. even though everyone else (or maybe just my family) always seem to tell me that i need to work harder.

believe it or not, Dr. Bok's way of encouragement definitely works better for me. you'll naturally want to work harder when you are happy and receiving positive feedback. how is it possible that anyone, other than myself, be more eager for me to be able to walk properly? am i not the one suffering? pouring cold water on me isn't going to help matters. and i definitely don't take well to nagging. maybe i'm a little rebellious/stubborn, but the more you nag, the more i'm reluctant to do it. =X

anyhow, it was a good trip to sgh. seeing this doctor is like meeting an old friend, and updating him on how i was doing, seeking his advice on small little matters and just having him tell me i was REALLY making quite good progress given the severity of my injuries. he said i shouldn't just be concentrating on walking and preparing to go back to work, that i should do stuff that i used to enjoy before my accident, like shopping! lol. activities that involve me walking around and not just sitting down most of the time. to slowly integrate back to society and start having a social life. well, of course i would like that but not everyone has the time to accommodate me. so i guess 慢慢来吧, i will heal at my own time. i sure do not want to rush into things. =)

"Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on Earth."
— Mark Twain

 the metal rods and wire were taken out of my brother's elbow and arm last wednesday. the metal rods are disgustingly long. they're as long as a normal mechanical pencil! eeks. i cringe at the sight of them. imagine they were once inside someone's body. anyway, because my brother was having a cough on the day of his surgery, they decide to give him a local anaesthesia instead of a general one. so he was awake throughout the entire op. omg, i think i would have fainted if i'm not put to sleep. haha. anyhow, i'm glad this part of the journey is finally over for him. what's left is just removing the stitches. as for me, sadly, i still have quite some way to go. still waiting to get to the finish line. =)

"Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on Earth."
— Mark Twain

i love my new blogskin! so christmasy! as you can see, i'm currently in the blogging mood, and also kinda bored, with too much energy and nowhere to spend, so here i am. =)

since i'm in the christmas mood right now, i've decided to post one of my favourite christmas songs by alvin and the chipmunks.

The Christmas Song
by Alvin and the Chipmunks


"Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on Earth."
— Mark Twain

i always thought that, because i have this brittle bone problem, things like an accident will never happen to me. like isn't this osteogensis thing enough suffering for a lifetime?

but of cos, you can never predict what life or God has in store for you. and so exactly one year ago on this day, i met with my first (and hopefully last) car accident all the way in the land down under. it seem kinda apt to talk about it now. like a one year anniversary memorable recollection. lol. of cos, i can do with lesser of such anniversaries. so may this be the last.

30 Nov 08, Sunday
i think it's unlikely i'm ever gonna forget this date. it was only our 2nd day in melbourne. we were driving along great ocean road, when my brother drove onto the other lane, and collided head-on with another vehicle.

i've not much memory of what happened. in fact, none at all. as i was blissfully sound asleep in the front passenger seat. but i did wake up for a moment when i was still stuck in the car. and all i can remember is seeing part of my bones protruding out of my ankle (until now i'm still not sure if i really did see or was it all part of my imagination) and some ang moh telling me i'll be ok as i was wincing in pain.

the next thing i knew, i was already lying in the hospital in ICU with all my operations done and my family had already arrived in melbourne. apparently, i was first sent to geelong hospital which was the nearest to the site of the accident, but it was too "small" to handle my injuries and so i was air-lifted (my first helicopter ride and i had absolutely no idea. haha) to royal melbourne hospital instead. i then went through a 8-9 hour surgery where they removed my spleen and inserted metal rods, wires and screws into my left thigh and knee.

in the meantime, my brother, who was in the geelong hospital with wei, had contacted our family and my mum, dad and sis put aside whatever they were doing and made plans to fly over to melbourne. honestly, i really thank God for my family. i guess waking up to my sis was the reason i did not go into full panic mode and freak out from the whole thing.

when i first woke up and recalled that i was in an accident, the first thought that came to my mind was, "why the heck was i sleeping? if i didn't sleep, i could have prevented it from happening!" but well i guess if it was meant to happen, it will happen. sigh i think i tortured myself with that thought for a few days before i finally accepted the whole thing.

anyhow, i'm also really glad that my bro and wei weren't too seriously injured. it's bad enough that we had to deal with one seriously-injured person, not to mention 2 or 3. btw, when they say that your whole life flashes before you when you're dying is simply overrated. lol. nothing of that sort happened to me. =X or maybe i blacked out too early to have my flashes. hehe. =P

1-3 Dec 08
i drifted in and out of sleep as i was heavily sedated with morphine to prevent me from feeling the pain. i cldn't talk as well as i had a tube going down my throat. seriously that was the most uncomfortable thing in the world, esp not being able to talk at all. but i was glad that my right hand was okie so i cld still write on paper anything that i wanted to say. according to my sis, i was surrounded by tubes and machines and my two legs were supported by some metal structure. it's kinda difficult for me to imagine the whole scene as i was kinda "immune" to all the pain and i could not see myself or feel anything at all. i later asked my sis why didn't she take a picture so i can see for myself what exactly i went through. hehe. okie, i was just being bo liao.

4-5 Dec 08
finally, they removed the tube that was running down my throat! at the point of removal, i had a matrix moment. remember the time when neo was "awaken" and found himself in a cell-like tub? then he had to remove this tube that was running down his throat that served as his breathing tube when he was submerged in liquid. that was something like how i felt. and it was great to finally be able to breathe and talk properly! oh what joy. later that evening, i was transferred out of ICU and into a normal ward. the next thing i was yearning for was a drink of water and some food. but they're not allowing that yet, so all i had was the drip.

6 Dec 08
i was due for a 4-hr surgery on both my ankles which were badly crushed. so they didn't fix them at the same time. the surgery was scheduled in the morning. i was out by 2pm but they kept me in the resting area to make sure my condition was stablised until almost 5 or 6pm before they sent me back to my ward. apparently I was running a fever so I couldn’t go back until it had subsided. kinda pitied my sis who spent the whole day just waiting for me at the ward that day. my parents were in geelong hospital visiting my brother. so that’s what they did, swapping visits until my brother was discharged a few days later.

just when i thought everything was finally over (with the ops and all), later that night, i suddenly felt a really really cold chill. it was the kind of chill that you know was coming from the inside of you, and no amount of blankets is going to help. nonetheless, i asked for more blankets and told the nurse that i was really freezing. as the nurse was heaping blankets on me, i blacked out again.

8 Dec 08
when i woke up again, more than a full day had passed. and i was back in ICU due to a lung infection from one of the tubes inserted inside me. that was really scary. i don’t think i can ever forget the chill i felt. and the tube was back down my throat. =( i think this day was the longest day in my life. because i was fully awake and couldn’t do a single thing at all. i kept asking when they could remove the stupid tube cos i was feeling really uncomfortable. i tried to sleep (i believe i repaid my entire life’s sleep debt in those few days i spent in the hospital and subsequently the next 1-2 mths) but i couldn’t with the tube down my throat.

finally, goodness knows how long later, they gave the okay sign to remove the tube. and i was so relieved! i think i fell asleep very soon after. later that night, when i woke up during dinner time, the nurse asked if i would like to try some food, and of course i said yes! i had nothing for a week already, and this would be my first form of food of any kind. so she let me try a spoonful of mashed potatoes, and i believe, at that point of time, it was the best mashed potatoes i ever had. she gave me another spoonful and that was all i was allowed. boohoo. but since i hadn’t eaten for so long, it wasn’t good to eat too much at one go either.

however, good times don’t last. the nurse then decided that i was ok enough to remove the staples from the surgery on my stomach when they removed my spleen. i was kinda scared as i’ve got no idea how painful that would be. it turned out rather ok actually. she then proceeded to remove the stitches on my left knee. and i concluded that removing staples was not as bad as removing stitches. lol. it was a lot more worse removing the stitches especially when the skin had started to “reform” around the stitches. it’s like picking splints out of your finger or toe. ouch.

just realized it’s not possible to share everything in one day. haha. so i shall continue another day (if i ever). =P