blogging

after three entries earlier today, i finally understood why some people have to blog. there are just some things you need to get off your chest, but there is simply no suitable audience for you to pour it out to. and i guess blogging, the physicality of typing it out, relieves it from you. i'm feeling much better after finally penning down thoughts, reflections, that have been swimming in my head for months and months.

though of course, the first entry for today was only in my head for less than twenty-four hours. but the intensity of those thoughts was too much for me to bear that i had to write it down somewhere. putting it down and being able to read your thoughts again physically actually helps me to think and process the initial thoughts better. and yes, i guess, once again, i have to promise myself that i will blog more often (i say it all the time but always end up stopping just after a few days).

it doesn't matter who is actually reading this. because i just needed this avenue to pen down my thoughts. but to my friends who are still reading my blog, even when i blog so irregularly, thank you. you have the privilege of entering the different layers of my mind and perhaps, get to know the other side of me, the real me or simply, just to know me better. (in harry potter terms, you are practising legilimency - haha yes, i have been reading too much harry potter. onto the sixth book now!)

Independence & Freedom

i love a relaxing day like today - have breakfast, give tuition, have lunch, watch a movie, home to shower and then sleep (skipping dinner in the process), then waking up and have some soup and now, slacking in my room again.

totally no pressure, all at one's own pace. you know, like go with the flow, don't think too much about how your day will work out. just let things happen and go along with it. how nice if everyday could be like this. but i'm sure i'll get bored of such a life really soon. though speaking of which, i think that was how my life was the whole of last year! and i was sure i enjoyed it pretty well. thanks to family and friends who have not forgotten me and left me to rot in my room. hehe. i wouldn't have got through the past one year and seven months without any of you! :)

on another note, i seemed to be living the past two months with a vengeance - going out every weekend and always planning something to do ahead. it reminds me of how i was in 2008, and i wonder if i want to be how i was like that time - burning myself out. is it a good or bad thing? i'm not sure myself. but one thing's for sure - being able to go out on my own is definitely sweet! :)

"Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on Earth." — Mark Twain

Just A Little Fear

i have a little fear at the back of my mind. as much as i try to suppress it, not think abt it,  it sometimes pops out suddenly, catching you unaware, and brings your mood down drastically from a high to a low.

i guess it is inevitable that i have such thoughts. but at least they don't consume my life. i have accepted my condition and how different life is going to be for me, but sometimes, once in awhile, i give in and collapse for awhile. i feel that crying lets out any pent-up frustration i may have. i'm not an expressive person, so i don't vent my frustrations on anyone. i guess, this is the only way for me to keep sane.

and this happens when i see photos of friends doing things that i may never be able to do again in the future. the operative word being "may". of course, many people tell me that it's mind over matter. i try of course. but who knows how things are going to turn out exactly? i'm not a pessimist, but neither do i wanna get my hopes up too high. i'm just simply prepared for the worst. it is best to be mentally prepared than to be once again caught off-guard, unaware, and then feel like the end of the world has arrived.

"Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on Earth."
— Mark Twain

scars

the other day, in the midst of shopping for a new pair of shoes. as i was looking in the mirror, for the first time, i realised exactly how ugly the surgical scars were on my legs. my left leg looks as if it was chopped up into 3 pieces and then roughly sewed together again, like that of a ragged doll. it doesn't look like it belonged to me anymore. and it doesn't even feel like mine.

suddenly, i seem to be waking up from a dream i've been having for the past 11 months. it suddenly dawned on me that life can never be the same again, and i can never go back to how it used to be.

a long run

it's been a long run.
and i hope this journey of my life is ending soon.
suddenly i think i'm ready to go back to how my life used to be.
counting down to one year.

Giving and Receiving

thought of the day: give, freely give, but do not expect anything in return.

i was pondering on this as some recent events have reminded me of this simple message. it is so simple, but yet not easy to live up to. how many of us are willing to give, and yet expect nothing in return at all? not even a thank you or courtesy smile sometimes.

if you really love someone, and care for that person, this should come by easy. but it's human nature to want the person you've been giving to, to do the same for you.

for example, i have a friend A who had boyfriend B. A wanted to take up this dream job of hers but it requires her to travel. but B stopped her. B's reason was that he gave up this scholarship/internship that he had always dreamed of for her because it required him to be based in another country for a long period of time, so he expects A to do the same. B gave up this opportunity on his own accord, and without telling or consulting A too. now B expects A to act in the same way as him. A said if B had told her, she wouldn't want him to give up this opportunity.

of course, the above example is kinda extreme. we can just simply look at everyday life. say if you lent a friend $10, you would naturally expect your friend to loan you $10 if you need it. but how many of us can really not expect it?

if you willing gave or did something for someone you loved, i feel that you should never use it to threaten or blackmail the person to do the same for you. even if it's a stranger, expect nothing in return. because, most often than not, you may end up disappointed. and mainly because, whatever you give, God will give back to you many times over. love, shouldn't come with a price tag, or any expectations. and really, life's happier like that. if you're always expecting something, but end up not getting it, wouldn't you be sad most of the time?

now of course, there is the reverse, where we are at the receiving end. how readily should we accept help? should you accept help knowing that you can never do the same back for the person? i read somewhere that if someone willingly offers you help or wants to give you something, you should be generous and gracious enough to accept it.

of course, when we talk about expecting nothing in return when you give, it seems that if you receive, you're not expected to return the favour or kindness shown on you. well, i guess that's really up to the individual. for me, if i cannot return the exact same favour, i'll always remember the kindness shown and repay in other means that i can.

(honestly speaking, sometimes i do not like to receive help in any form because i do not want to feel indebted to someone. some people give and expect you to give back. and you feel like you owe them. i really don't like this kind of feeling. so perhaps i am a little wary of accepting help too readily. =.=)

life is all about helping one another. do you see your friend fall and not help her up? do you see your friend burden with trouble and not offer a listening ear? many times, we pretend not to see, and just carry on with our daily life, claiming that we have no time and have our own problems to deal with. but what do you gain by turning a blind eye to those in need? though i confess that i'm sometimes like that too. not offering help even though you know the person needs help. i feel i have enough on my own plate to deal with. i don't need someone else's problems too. but still, i try my best to change. for i always believe, giving is better than receiving.

so, give, because God will give back to you many times over.

inspiration: are you a giver or taker? by Bo Sanchez