weddings

i know i have not been updating for a very long time. but i've no idea where my time has gone for the past few weeks. probably just too tired from work.

what happened to my "one post a day"?

okay i promise i will get back into that routine. i found it liberating, having my thoughts written out, instead of just re-thinking them over and over again in my head. sometimes you can think of something so much that it feels real to you even if it's not.

just some good news to share, i'm beginning to feel quite normal walking! so happy!! :) and i think i can probably wear heels (not the really high ones of course) for ade's wedding! yay!! :)  i'm so looking forward to her wedding as if i'm marrying away my own sister. but she has indeed been like a sister to me these few years, so i hope we can plan an unforgettable one for her! even if she thinks it's no big deal.

and i got myself some extra work to do by agreeing to be the emcee for jeff's wedding. hmm. now i'm wondering why the heck did i agree when i have stage fright?? my heart is so split into two. half of it really wants to do it (because it's just so nice to be able to do something for a friend's wedding) and the other half is just writhing in fear (suddenly got reminded of the feeling you get in the presence of the dementors in harry potter).

okay since i've agreed, i shall not look back. better than having myself to keep thinking what it would have been like if i agreed. i definitely know how it would be like if i didn't agree. i'll just appear at his wedding, have my lunch, interact with my friends, take photos, yum seng and then leave. so hopefully, this will be a good different experience! :)

"Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on Earth." — Mark Twain

Two More Years

that is all i'm going to give myself. for my life to return to total normalcy. and i can go travelling freely again.

given my current state, there are many things that i cannot do/take part in, do too slow, get tired easily from doing etc. so i guess it is normal that friends do not ask me out as often, automatically leave me out when planning for certain activities, and so on. nothing wrong with that, but somehow, i get that littlest childish feeling of being left out. and i start to wonder. when will i be okay enough to be included in these certain activities? and even if i do become better, will i even be included since it has already become a habit to just leave me out?

it is a such a childish thought, i know. but sometimes, it is tiring to always be the one asking others out, just because others don't know if or when i am well enough to go out. and if i'm not the one asking others out, i know i will just be stuck at home everyday because no one will ask me out.

but of course, i say all these just because of a passing random thought. i do not really feel that way at all, except perhaps when i'm pms-ing or in a rare bad mood. i do not live my days filled with such negative thoughts. instead, i am thankful for the things that i am still able to do. and i am happy that i have the energy to still organise gatherings and go out for the occasional movies, dinners and plays. it doesn't really matter who's the one doing the asking, and the organising - i'm just glad that people are still even willing to go out or hang out with me, despite all the inconveniences i bring along.

so yes, life still ain't too bad after all. we just need to learn to look at the bright side of things and stop thinking that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

"Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on Earth." — Mark Twain

Of Resolutions and Recoveries

my only resolution for the year twenty-ten is to leave my job. but it seems like that isn't going to happen this year. i actually forgot that i kinda like my job, not to mention some of the people i'm working with. of cos recovering and travelling is on the list too, but those aren't as difficult to achieve as resigning. well, if only.

too many things to consider, too many favours to repay, too many things to leave behind. i guess that's why some people, though they complain endlessly about their jobs, never do leave them eventually. it's hard to uproot oneself, go to a new environment, make new friends/colleagues and start from ground zero all over again. especially when you've built up something in your existing place and made some close friends - how can you bear to just leave everything behind?

for me, the only thing that is holding me back (for now at least) is my yet-to-fully-recover leg. once i've got that settled, i'm honestly going to FLY! doing my masters (and overseas, that is) is high on my to-do list. so still surfing around, looking around. if i can do that next year, it'll probably be the best. but everything's too early to say for sure now. we live in such a volatile environment, where everything can just change in the snap of a finger.

sometimes, i still wonder what i would be doing now if that fateful accident did not happen. but there's no point wondering, because i can't possibly go back in time and change things. i can only look forward and decide for myself what i can since the accident has taken place. just to share one of the last few pictures i took before that fateful accident.

the fateful road

i'm considering having a celebration on that day every year to celebrate my rebirth and escape from death! :) though honestly speaking, it may sound a little morbid, but i don't think i would have regretted dying on that day. other than the fact it would have cost major heartache to my family, i just felt i wasn't particularly attached to anything on earth that i couldn't leave behind. plus i believed i had a fulfilling life till then - i had experienced many things in my short life - childhood, school & exams, love & heartbreak, working and living overseas, having a full-time job, working like there's no tomorrow. and surviving would only mean working for the rest of my life - which the one-year of worklife had given me enough to last a lifetime.

but since it was god's will that it was not my time to leave yet, i shall make use of my new life to experience things i have yet the chance to. studying overseas for one. it was my biggest dream when i was in jc. but somehow i couldn't do that because 1. i wasn't smart enough to get a scholarship, 2. my parents claimed they were too poor to afford to send me overseas. and now, suddenly my parents had enough money to do that! haha what more can i ask for but of course grab the opportunity before they change their minds.

ok i think i went totally out of point in this post. i just gotta remember, one step at a time, and i will get there! :)

"Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on Earth." — Mark Twain

Hope

i'm a little in the mood to blog, but yet feeling i have nothing to blog about. except that i really have this sudden urge to get well so i can start travelling again. it's been way, way, way too long. one and a half years may seem like nothing to most people, but to me, it's been the longest one and a half years in my life. i can't even believe it was that long since the fateful day.

okie, perhaps a little update on my progress (and to remind myself to keep working harder!):

wed, 26 may - walked home from school for the first time (not exactly, but at least since i was better) and took only 10 mins! *happy*

thurs, 27 may - walked to school in the morning for the first time too and took slightly longer, 15 mins. perhaps due to lack of food and greater inertia to get to work. also feeling ridiculously proud of myself that i managed to climb the overhead bridge (normally, that is, and not having to take one step at a time) and taking the mrt to orchard by myself! :)

fri, 28 may - took the bus for the first time since the accident! not by myself though. so will feel more accomplished when i do that.

sat, 29 may - walked ard vivocity without my walking stick! feeling so much more free that my hands were able to do what they like without having to use one hand to hold the stick, or looking for somewhere to place the stick while i use my hands for some other purpose. ah the liberation! :)

and so this past weekend marks quite a milestone in my recovery. suddenly i feel like i'm starting to see light at the end of a very long and dark tunnel. a tunnel which i've been walking for 18 months now. but i'm really glad that i'm not walking through it alone. thank God for my family, friends and colleagues who have been encouraging me all this time! we must definitely have hope in life! :)

"Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on Earth." — Mark Twain