11 Things to Know at 25(ish)

found this article to read from a friend's sharing on fb. found it quite relevant and in fact, are things that i've personally thought about. such as having time to find a job i love, staying out of debt, volunteering, learning to feed yourself and others (i really really do wanna learn cooking properly - being able to serve a 像样的 dinner party would be nice), finding a rhythm for spiritual disciplines and i guess, quite importantly, not getting stuck.

and then there are those that i have not really given much thought about - finding a mentor and getting counselling. i guess most people think they don't need any help, but the fact is, advice from an older person with more experience, and advice from professional help is sometimes very much needed (whether one sees it or not). i have meet-ups with colleagues (past and present) to have coffees or lunches with occasionally, and they have many times always provided me with questions to ponder about. i guess perhaps i should make an effort to meet up with them more frequently.

i regret to say that, being in the mid of my late twenties, i have yet to discover what job i would love to do, yet to do any volunteer work for the past few years, yet to learn to cook - my cooking skills are only at a very basic level (frying an egg, cooking rice/instant noodles, boiling simple soups) and yet to develop a prayer life (other than sunday, it's almost nonexistent).

unfortunately, my past three years have mostly been spent recovering from my injuries sustained from my car accident. each time i thought i would have completely recovered (that's never going to happen actually, some impairments are here to stay), a 'residue' from an old injury happens and i go back to square one - taking long medical leave, and having to extent into no-pay leave from work.

but from these period of calamity, i have discovered friends whom i know i will have to keep. friends who have been there for me throughout the entire time. friends who go out of the way to help me, providing me much needed comfort. and there were even some relatively new friends who made an effort to keep themselves updated with my condition. and of course, there is my family, who have been there for me every step of the way. there is definitely no way i could have gotten through this without them. they were there when i first regained consciousness from my nine-hour emergency operation after the accident all the way in another country, they were with me throughout my recovery, of course including now. they were just there, no complaints, because we were family. the accident may have delayed my plans to get on with life, but it has shown me that i am really blessed with very supportive and caring family and friends.

with that i am comforted. at least my past three years have not been entirely wasted, though i could probably think of ten thousand and one things i could have done, would have done during that time. well i could have thought of them, but i have never indulged myself into thinking of the 'what could have been' at all. perhaps i do not know how. honestly, i have already long forgotten how it's like to be able to walk freely, to run, to jump, to not have to plan out your journey (just to the shopping mall) way before you even step out of the house. i should not be too surprised actually, i know myself to adapt very quickly - i never had any problems adjusting in a new environment, be it in a new school, at a new workplace or even a new country. i simply go with the flow. but with that, sometimes, i do not know how to dream, of doing something different. i just take what life hands out to me. maybe i am blessed that way, i don't keep thinking of the 'what could have been' and so, i don't feel like i'm missing out too much, i am just too easily satisfied/content sometimes. i'm not one with big ambitions who needs a high flying job. all i ask for is a happy and healthy life surrounded by loved ones, family and friends.

now with the upcoming hip joint replacement (due to the avn of my left hip), it's probably going to be my last period of recovery (i'm praying really hard that it is), i have no more excuses to procrastinate. i should start giving serious thought about what i would like to do next. what makes me happy? what do i really want? actually it's not that difficult, my basic requirement is just to be happy, in whatever i do. and then there's perhaps a slightly 'harder' one - to experience as many things as possible. and one of those items on my list - study or work overseas for a period of at least twelve months. it's not just the freedom that i crave (i honestly do not like having to report my every movement to someone), but i think it is really good training for one to grow up, be more independent and become more like an adult (most people get married and have kids to do that, but i have seen many who still remain a kid themselves even after having their own kids. plus i doubt i will be able to get married anytime soon, so this is probably the best avenue for me to go).

after writing so much, i guess there's no time better than now to get started on 'getting on with my life'. so instead of just waiting around, i'll have to stop procrastinating and start taking some action. but it's late now, so i'll start early tomorrow (speaking of which, i need to stop 'oversleeping' and give myself more meaning to wake up earlier).

time for bed. goodnight world! :)

"Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on Earth." — Mark Twain

a story

there's a story to tell,
but it is one that i cannot tell.

there's someone to like,
but it's someone whom i cannot like.

there are so many things to say,
but i do not know where to begin.

ask me, and perhaps i will spill.

"Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on Earth." — Mark Twain

hello again

i know, it's been awhile. what with updating facebook and twitter and now weibo too (that's another story), the blog gets left out. i'm sorry, for i should know how that feels.

well, as it goes, this place is still where one can probably get a glimpse of who i really am and what i really feel. the others (fb etc) are really just a cover, or rather where i mainly post happy feelings. here is where you can find a more melancholic me (but seriously, no one likes that, which is why it doesn't go on fb/twitter - i feel they're more for happy things).

anyway, i'm here because i took a quiz on http://colorquiz.com and didn't really feel like posting on fb, so shall post it here for myself to remember. here goes...

Color Test - Results

Your Existing Situation "Craves change and new things, always looking for new adventures and activities. Becomes restless and frustrated when she has to wait too long for things to develop. her impatience leads to irritability and a desire to move on to the next project." Your Stress Sources "Needs to meet people who have the same high principals and values as himself, but finds the need unfulfilled. her need to feel dominate and superior leaves her feeling isolated and does not allow for her to give freely of himself. she would like to surrender and let go, but sees that as a weakness she must not give in to. Holding back will allow her to stand out for the crowd and earn a higher status, recognized by others as unique and important." Your Restrained Characteristics Her confidence is low but she is unable to admit that is the reason for her avoidance of conflict. Feels it is a situation out of her control and she is making the best of it. Her arrogance causes her to take offense quickly. Only those closest to her know deep down she is sensitive and sentimental. "Emotionally withdrawn, feels forced to make compromises which makes emotional attachments difficult." Your Desired Objective "Highly optimistic and outgoing personality. Loves to learn new and exciting things, and craves new interests. Looking for a well-rounded life full of success and new experiences. Does not allow herself to be overcome with negative thoughts or self-doubt. Takes life head on, with enthusiasm. " Your Actual Problem "Enjoys making new plans and goals, but needs to be respected and admired for the things she accomplishes."

i think it's rather accurate to an extent.

well that's all for now.

it's late and it's time for bed.

goodnight.

"Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on Earth." — Mark Twain

a rather eventful week

it has been a rather eventful week, starting from saturday. am feeling it's a good time to recap my week as i would liked it to be remembered :)

saturday. went to catch "no regrets: a tribute to edith piaf" by hossan leong, robin goh, denise tan and company at the dbs arts centre with a friend. and i never expected myself to actually fall in love with all those french songs (even though i don't understand a single word of french, except maybe bonjour). but edith piaf's songs were really lovely. the music just touch your heart. and now i know why she was such a french icon of her time. her life was reenacted on stage through hossan's narration and it was nice to get acquainted with this french icon.

thereafter, dinner was at a german restaurant called brotzeit at 313. detoured to paradigm infinitum as it was still early. i was first brought to pi by the ex, and now i'm here again. well, i guess some thoughts/memories are better kept to myself. anyway, dinner was great though i think there was too much fats on the pork knuckles for me to enjoy it thoroughly. we had a nice time chatting away. i would have been quite glad for the night to last longer. but i guess all good things must come to an end. and i guess the song for the day would have to be 'somewhere over the rainbow' :)

sunday. attended bro's rite of acceptance. mass was rather interesting as father emmanuel conducted his homily in a different way by having a conversation with two other people. sad to say though that i kinda switched off at some parts as i had a hard time trying to understand father emmanuel's english. i will work harder to understand his accent so i won't keep switching myself off. heh.

monday. saw the doctor who delivered the verdict on the 'status' of my op. but got scolded by him first for deciding on my own to walk with only one side of the crutch. if he knew i walked with the walking stick as well, i think he will jump sky high. anyway, went in and out of the x-ray room three times. was granted permission to finally ditch the walking stick too. and so, from today on, we will pray very hard and see how things go! my dear left hip, please pass the one year test. i appreciate your kind cooperation. thank you.

tuesday. it's vesak day holiday and my family decided to catch a movie at the newly renovated lido. so we decided on 'thor' since it was the in-movie to catch at that point in time. lido looks quite impressive on the outside. in the theatres, the seats were nice, but we felt like we had to go through a maze to get to our theatre and then climb a mountain to get to our seats. definitely not handicapped friendly at all. thank god i was much better le, and had plenty of secret exercises before that day, in order to climb those steps without too much difficulty. we had bk for lunch (yay! my once-a-wk beef fix), shopped for shoes at ion (geox and aldo), grocery shopped for sushi ingredients, and ended up shopping for shoes (again!), this time at isetan (bought another two pairs - elyse and guess). i have not spent so much money in one day for a very very very long time. so, i guess this is forgivable :)

wednesday. returned for rcia lessons with the bro in church in the evening. it was... nice to be welcomed back. but out-of-place as i was away for too long (so did not know most people). no matter, i'm sure i'll blend in again soon enough. it's nice to be back in god's company :)

thursday. i usually get more things done when i am busy. was home the whole day but felt more accomplished today than any of the other days. managed to watch 'we are singaporeans' from the night before, an episode of glee (funeral), the season six finale of how i met your mother (can't wait for season seven now!) and last but not least, the social network (like, finally!). in between, i managed to upload all my postcards from postcrossing onto facebook and put in all the captions too! :)

friday. has not occurred yet, but the plan is to watch sharpay's fabulous adventures with donut in the morning, make sushi in the afternoon, and picnic plus macbeth with a friend at fort canning park in the evening :) sounds like a busy day ahead. so without further ado, i shall retire to my bed. will blog about friday when time allows.

goodnight world! :)


"Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on Earth." — Mark Twain

no regrets

finally, it's six weeks after my bone graft op! i'm feeling real optimistic about this op. so hopefully it doesn't disappoint me later. as my friend said, "i think you are due some good luck for a change!" :) so saw my doctor today for review. and he said to give it five years to prove its 'worth'. well sounds very much like our recently concluded ge, doesn't it? where we're all told that the mps have five years to prove themselves too. (sorry, i couldn't help it but make that reference - ge has kinda been my life for almost two whole weeks.)

my doctor had a new young doctor in tow today. and he exclaimed in surprise when he saw the number of x-rays i had done at the hospital and the thick file of medical records i had there. this made my doctor comment (yet again), "yes it's a lot, and actually she's very lucky to be alive". i get reminded time and again that i'm really lucky to have survived that accident. so i couldn't help but wonder why the big man upstairs decided that i should live on?

honestly speaking, and i think i've mentioned this before (not to be morbid, but i'm just stating how i really felt), if i had died there and then, it would be without regrets (though i might just feel really bad for inflicting such pain on my family and not being able to be there to provide for my ah-ma and parents in their old age).

of course, i did wonder why i felt that i had no regrets. well, i guess it's mainly because i felt i have done and experienced plenty of things in my short (then) twenty-four years on earth. i also felt there was nothing here to hold me behind. it's like, i felt i have already lived my life to quite the fullest. true, i have yet to experience marriage, having my own family, growing old, playing with grandchildren. but at that point in time (even now), it was not something i was craving for or felt that i had to have. a single life was suiting me very fine.

i think i've lived quite a colourful life. i had a good education. i made many good friends. i have a great loving family (hence, no desire that i have to start another one). i had a stint working and travelling in the states. i travelled extensively in 2008 (hk with colleagues, bintan with friends, taiwan+hk with cousins, chennai with students, melbourne with bro & wei - all in one year!). i had a go at working life. i spent my free time doing things i enjoy - reading, watching plays & musicals, spending time with family. i exercised whenever i could.

perhaps, the only thing that i did not make time for was God. though i did still go for sunday mass, i attended liss that year, and i helped out in the alpha course every thursday in church. despite all my involvement in church that year, i definitely felt myself drifting away. and yes, i felt guilty for not trying hard enough to communicate with Him. this might probably be my only regret - not spending enough time in prayer (nor having the want to). so perhaps He decided to keep me alive so that i could first grow closer to Him before taking me away?

but no matter, the Lord's comforting hand is never far away. He did not leave me (to die) even though i had drifted away from Him. during my most painful time (literally) in the hospital (the first week after the accident), i often felt His hand holding mine. at first i thought it was my mum's or my sister's, but after sometime, it was apparent that they were usually some distance away or not around when this happened. it was then i knew that He was the one keeping me company when i thought i was alone. ever since, i loved being alone. because it is then i could feel His presence most - and feel peace, hope and love :)

"peace i leave with you; my peace i give you. i do not give to you as the world gives. do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." - john 14:27

men are from mars, women are from venus

i'm not so sure if it's too early to blog about this. because it's still early days, and i don't want to have too much hope in it yet. now i know why so many women choose to remain single. i was recently reminded that relationships are simply just way too complicated. a single life is well, just much less complicated. it is so-called 'pain-free'. but then again, without experiencing pain, you will not know or treasure the painless days.

if they say a girl is hard to read, i think a guy is just as hard to read. our minds and brains just work differently. which is why a book called "men are from mars, women are from venus" exists. maybe i should give this book a read. i'm finding it really hard trying to 'read' you.

i shall not pretend to be an expert on guys. after all, i've only been in one relationship in my whole twenty-seven years of living. and at the end of that relationship, i found out that i really did not know him at all. he said and did things which hurt me so deeply that i'm not sure i will ever forget them (after close to four years, i can still remember every word he said. i don't feel the hurt anymore, i would say that i have definitely gotten over him till the point of some hatred, but there are some things that will just scar you for life, whether you like it or not).

i know that it's very selfish of me, but i have recently realised that we actually have too many common friends and i wish he will stop talking to these friends (at least the closer ones and especially those who know him through me). it's like i don't want to have anything to do with him anymore, i just want him out of my life. but i know, it will be way too selfish to ask my friends not to be his friends just because of the way i feel. and i will never ask my friends to do that. we all have our own freedom to choose the friends we want to make and keep, so who am i to ask this of my friends?

okay enough about the ex. so yes, i kinda met someone else whom i have a good feeling about. someone who, in my opinion, is very charismatic (which is equivalent to someone who can talk very well and can be charming at the same time - it could be both good and bad). someone whom i simply enjoy his company very much and know that i can always have a good time with. someone whom i've been thinking about quite abit for the past few weeks. i guess we're now only in the getting to know each other stage (as friends). and the more i find out about him, the more i realised how similar he actually is to him. you know the phrase, same same but different.

thoughts are currently quite all over the place about this. can't really put them down into words. but i do wish i know what he is thinking. because some of his actions are well, quite contradictory. perhaps, when things between us become clearer, i will blog about it again. but right now, all i can say is, i really do kinda like him :)

blogging

after three entries earlier today, i finally understood why some people have to blog. there are just some things you need to get off your chest, but there is simply no suitable audience for you to pour it out to. and i guess blogging, the physicality of typing it out, relieves it from you. i'm feeling much better after finally penning down thoughts, reflections, that have been swimming in my head for months and months.

though of course, the first entry for today was only in my head for less than twenty-four hours. but the intensity of those thoughts was too much for me to bear that i had to write it down somewhere. putting it down and being able to read your thoughts again physically actually helps me to think and process the initial thoughts better. and yes, i guess, once again, i have to promise myself that i will blog more often (i say it all the time but always end up stopping just after a few days).

it doesn't matter who is actually reading this. because i just needed this avenue to pen down my thoughts. but to my friends who are still reading my blog, even when i blog so irregularly, thank you. you have the privilege of entering the different layers of my mind and perhaps, get to know the other side of me, the real me or simply, just to know me better. (in harry potter terms, you are practising legilimency - haha yes, i have been reading too much harry potter. onto the sixth book now!)

be happy

in case you start thinking that i'm a sad person, i had better start posting about something happier. i do not usually dwell on unhappy things. in fact, i am generally very happy almost everyday. because, yes, i know i'm not alone :)

despite all that has happened to me, i think my life is generally quite good. what more can you ask for when you have a family who loves you so much and who will willingly throw aside whatever they are doing just so they can be there for you during your most difficult time?

indeed, it's time i take stock of my life and ask myself if i could do the same thing for them. i'm sure i could. but at the same time, i do not need or want to 'test' it out because i do not wish the same suffering i had upon them. i'm glad that i am the one who has to suffer all these instead of them. i'm not so sure if they could take it as well as me. and that's why we have different trials and obstacles in life. they are there to strengthen us, and for us to know ourselves a little better.

so live life happily. there is no point in dwelling in the past, or being unhappy all the time. find something to look forward to. i think it is important to be proactive in life. to plan for things but yet go with the flow at the same time. be spontaneous. you can have a standard of things, but try to lower your expectations if you or people around you are unable to meet them. be content with what you have, but never stop trying for more. and i believe that giving is better than receiving. so i give generously, and i expect nothing in return.

of course, i don't think myself as a perfect being. but i try, to the best of my ability, to keep the people around me happy. it kinda upsets me when people are sad. i would somehow think that it is my fault. that i did not do enough to keep them happy. and i guess, that's one of my weakness (because i end up feeling really bad).

so after much thinking, this is my philosophy in life - be happy. be spontaneous. be content. be giving.

no matter what life throws at you, know that you are never alone :) and yes, Jesus is the centre of my life :)

a dream

i had a dream the other night. most people will probably call it a nightmare. but you'll supposed to feel scared during a nightmare right? but somehow i wasn't scared. actually, the scary thing was how i didn't feel scared. this was how the dream went...

i was in a car with my brother driving. we were in a car race. i can't remember what kind of car race, but it obviously involves high speed driving. so as he was driving at a super high speed, we suddenly found ourselves in an accident. again, i did not witness how it happened. it was one moment driving, and the next moment we were already injured with the windscreen shattered.

glass shards were embedded in my skin everywhere and caused my tibia bones to be exposed on both legs. it looked gross and disgusting. but in the dream, i was very calm, telling my family not to worry about me. it was just another accident. i remember thinking to myself that it's okay, i will heal and recover. it's not a big deal.

with that, i woke up. the sun was just beginning to rise. instinctively, i felt for both my legs. and discovered that it was only just a dream. relief overcame me. the dream felt that real to me. i couldn't believe that, in the dream, i accepted the fact that i was once again in an accident so readily that i wondered if there was something wrong with me. anybody in the right mind would have panicked. how could i be so calm and resigned to my fate so easily?

well, perhaps, i have indeed resigned to my fate. that misfortunes will follow me wherever i go. and indeed, people who know me knows that i accept whatever befalls on me readily. i don't complain much about what i have been put through. i may sometimes feel it's unfair and still continue to hope for a better life. but i trust that God has plans for me. and He did not leave me alone. He gave me a strong mind and strong willpower. and He also gave me a very supportive family, and a close group of friends. i know i definitely won't be able to do this without them. i know i am not alone.

He will walk with me through this and carry me whenever i fall.

heart, be still

there are too many similarities
between you and him.
so much so that it kinda
scares me.

and as much as my heart feels
there might be something,
but i can't help but decide that
i have to thread the water
really carefully. and perhaps,
if there is a need,
to close it up, and
pretend that it was not moved.

i don't think my heart can take another letdown.

"Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on Earth." — Mark Twain

melancholic

heard a piece of good news yesterday.
well, good news for the friend.
but not sure if it's good to me.
still, i'm happy for this friend.

at the end of the day, i'm left to wonder,
what are you so nice to me for?

i don't think i will ever get an answer.
so life goes on.
i have many other things to look forward to this week.
to cheer me up.
starting with rcia tonight :)

"Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on Earth." — Mark Twain

i honestly thinkone of the best strength i have is
hiding my real emotions, 
to smile and be happy
despite not really feeling that way.

no one owes you their day,
so the least you could do is
be happy and not spoil their day.