more than two years later

can you believe it's been more than TWO years since i last posted here? well, i wonder why i stopped. not that there were many posts to begin with.

so two years is a really long time. and obviously there have been many changes. like how i am not in a relationship right now and that i am working, not studying. well, i have to say that i currently love my life. even though there's no special someone in my life now, and it's not as carefree as it was two years ago.

i have no idea where to begin. it's a really long story. i guess i never really talk about my breakup. i mean, if you ask me, other than starting a new job, this in and out of a relationship is the biggest change for me. it still makes my heart break (a little) and brings tears to my eyes if i ever try to talk about it. does that mean anything?

i somehow feel that the reason why i wanna talk about it is to have people sympathise with me. which is so wrong. but perhaps the fact that i went through it alone, in a faraway place, having no one to talk to, is making me doing what i'm doing right now. this love, that once was, has turned into hatred. i can't even bear to talk to him right now. how did things turn out this way? i guess i was hurt much deeper than i thought. when i think of the things he said to me, about how he is much happier when i'm not around, that he doesn't miss me at all, still brings tears to my eyes. i mean, all these doesn't matter already, but i am still letting it affect me. i really really need to let this go. i have definitely got over him, but i haven't got over the hurt. i guess, this is going to take much longer to heal completely than i expected.

i always thought myself to be quite strong. i appear strong in front of everyone. but inside, sometimes, i just want to cry. there are no shoulders to lean on. it's just me and the tissue papers.

this is such a random post. some sudden outburst that i have no idea where it came from. perhaps from the fact that he is getting on my nerves. that i can't have a clean break from him because he refuses to settle some things that's left hanging between us. i think i need help. :(